I don't expect anybody to ever stumble upon this blog or to even take the time to read it. But, I have something to say. I hope that this might somehow find the people who need it most; show them that somebody does understand when they are most alone. I do have a story to tell, but the story is not all that important. I have been told that it is the emotions behind the story. I have never been good with emotions. Definitely raised a girl, but somehow I always wanted to be unemotional. I hated stereotypes that women were inferior in strength and mentality. I made it a mission of my childhood to never be considered 'a girl' to the boys. I was unaware of what this mentality was.
Having a natural impulsion to be more gender neutral than specifically female, and also having a natural impulse to look and see the same in my own gender that those of the opposite sex did. I never knew this was wrong, until I was about 12. Then the terms like gay and queer started to be thrown around the playground and my house like a plague. These were things that you should never aspire to be and should fear. I remember the first time I felt something for another woman. There was a scene in a popular movie I was watching with my family. At the time it happened I remember the feeling and panicking, running from the room, and crying my eyes out silently alone. I couldn't be like that and wouldn't be like that. It was a choice right...I would choose to NOT be.
I spent the rest of my youth testing my sexuality. Making sure that I wasn't gay by setting little challenges and tests for myself to pass and prove my heterosexuality. It seemed as though I had successfully stifled the problem. It didn't bother me nearly as much anymore. But, I still was unable to have a relationship. I was still this gender neutral animal that fit into neither category. I always had a bunch of male friends and couldn't really ever figure out how to relate to my own gender or get close without a fear of being labelled as gay. My own mother would question me and tell me things I was doing, like wearing tie dye, might be considered gay.
It wasn't until a traumatic experience with the death of my best friend that was eerily similar, that I started to realize the truth. I was gay. There was no way around it. And while I had somehow suppressed the inclination for a few years, it was only to much detriment to my own mental health and happiness. Of course to come to this realization was not easy or clean. I had the biggest mental temper tantrum of all time and I lost everything I had almost, including myself. But now, having started to come out of it all and reflect and feel everything that I had stifled, I can begin to reflect inward and share in hopes that maybe somebody can come to this realization much sooner and with less pain.
